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02/03/2012
Land of the free and the home of the Fourth Amendment! Sorry we didn't get to shoot your dog. We'll try harder next time
Newts in their natural habitats: One is a slime producing bottom feeder the other is a cute little amphibian
I'm sure that will be a comfort to all those cashiers and floor people who are heavily invested in Best Buy stock
Don't they know that is not the proper way
to run a business? Now the plebes will expect bonuses all the time.
Lazy ingrates. Those bonuses rightfully belong to the executives
Lamar Smith wants to track everything you do online. If you don't like it, you're a pedophile
God forbid we catch the police breaking the law. People might lose faith in the system
02/02/2012
How can we feel safe when someone who allegedly provided links to people on the Internet is roaming the streets of London?
Who needs the middle class? The GOP is determined to return us to the gilded age of sweat shops and robber barons
Is this where "The Thing" stops being a sci-fi movie and starts being a documentary?
I'm sure this is just an isolated incident: Just an overzealous employee and not at all reflective of the banking industry as a whole
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? Release the Honeybadgers!
Burglar gets a free boxing lesson and impromptu removal from a third floor balcony
02/01/2012
Mormon leaders are just now finding out that magic underwear does not block out the Internet
I wonder how much of this money came from conservatives who still don't realize Colbert is a satirist
Climate Change deniers play fast and loose with facts and science? I am SHOCKED!
What better way to make sure your cancer and MS stricken ex wives die than to ban stem cell research ?
The FBI should arrest Newt Gingrich and seize all of his assets for blatant copyright infringement
Don't worry, they'll just raise taxes on the lower and middle classes to make up for it
01/31/2012
There's no profit in the cure: There's a profit motive behind this, it's only veiled in philanthropy
Betting on mortgage-based derivatives, Freddie Mac? That's so 2008
Newt's billionaire backer is under criminal investigation for alleged ties to Chinese organized crime and bribery of foreign officials
At this point I'll settle for a hit and run on Gingrich and his plastic wife by the General Lee
All these people in WI who didn't get off their asses to vote the first time may get their do-over
That's not fair. Miss Piggy is far smarter that Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly combined
01/30/2012
I'm starting to think that Mitt Romney is Wall Street's response to the occupy movement
From the same lawmakers that campaigned against pork and adding unrelated programs to bills...
I like the idea of magic underwear. Gingrich should convert and his three wives would make him a church elder
Of course they are. And executive incomes
have never been higher, financial regulators have never been weaker and
the rich are fighting tooth and nail to make sure nothing changes
This is what happens when a retarded city government decides it could do away with snow removal in CO
Facebook IPO will change the world. Then the stock will crash and it will be a better world
01/29/2012
But if we don't pay them more, how can we ensure they keep up their stellar performance of the past decade?
"I don't want to be remembered. I want to be forgotten." - George Costanza
If I saw a male Republican congressman following me into an airport restroom, I'd just try to stomp a mudhole in him and then stomp him dry
The second some robo-car tells ME that I can't do 90 MPH, my freedoms are gone and there's no reason to live
What the frack is the fracking deal with that fracking shit? Frack the well-fracking gas companies
Chrysler hires more workers and give finger to auto unions at the same time by hiring temps
01/28/2012
I'm sure this is another scheme perpetrated by liberals and their America hating comrades, the mainstream media
School districts are pissed because they can't serve kids lard burgers, tater tots and hockey pucks for lunch
Out of 150,000,400 people, only 400 of them have the motivation and work ethic to become successful
As you know, serious terrorists will announce their evil intentions to all their Facebook friends first
The day that Texans allow a Kenyan to whoop a white man is that day they rename the state to California Jr.
Well, Bob Dole does know a little something about ruining chances for the GOP
01/27/2012
You people who buy American don't want capitalism to succeed! The free market has determined that products from China are more desirable because they can be made more cheaply
The can only end well: The only experiments that we should be doing on bugs are those involving ways to kill the bastards
I may have a taco for lunch and then a nice siesta before I go steal some hubcaps
Which kind of banker would that be? One that actually gets prosecuted for fraud and criminal activity?
Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are stronger together than apart. So let's keep them apart, shall we?
Return the money? That money has already been spent. It was spent on campaigning
01/26/2012
Why would a Congress with a 13% approval rate really care about passing legislation that will cut into their personal incomes?
The Romneys prove that they are fiscally conservative when it comes to paying household help
As long as there are countries weaker than us, we'll always have oil. Suck it third worlders!
This is not surprising coming from a guy who calls people liars if they quote his words verbatim
Say what you want about Scott Walker, but the man sure knows how to work a Koch
Pakistan opened up its health care system to the free market in 2011. Let's see how they're doing
01/25/2012
Progressives are furious with Obama and vow to vote for him with even less enthusiasm
Pardon my momentary lapse in etiquette, but fuck you, Chris Dodd, and fuck you, Hollywood
Let's not punish the torturers, but rather the people who told everyone that said torturers exist
They cultivated the crazy. They lovingly nurtured it. They watered it and fertilized it and nourished it. Now they're afraid of it
In support of stopping this I will cease all consumption of Canadian Bacon and stop watching hockey
Rick Santorum to pregnant rape victims: "Suck it up sugar, it's a gift from God."
01/24/2012
I want the tea party removed from the current political landscape to make America look good, but you can't always get what you want
So who is ready for another trillion dollar war that will sink us into another great recession?
Since when does the US Supreme Court make sense? I think this decision came from a parallel universe
But its been a great success in increasing law enforcement budgets while pretending to be tough on crime!
Is that a gyre in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
It doesn't have to be right, it just has to be repeated. That's how campaigning works
01/23/2012
But I was told the oil and gas industries could police themselves, making regulation unnecessary
Chris Dodd publicly threatens politicians who aren't corrupt enough to stay bought
The Republican party does have an embarrassment of riches in the embarrassment department
The only reason we won't recover is because our government is owned by the jackasses who caused the problems in the first place
Excellent! This also goes contrary to the myth that classically trained musicians can't improvise
A gagging, vomiting God is better than a frothy president
01/22/2012
It's better than being the "unilateral pre-emptive war that's killed over 100,000 people president"
Oh great, computers are now "teaching" themselves. Have we learned nothing from The Terminator?
The wealthy hate the idea of a free Internet. For the first time in history, everyone now has a voice instead of just a few carefully controlled corporate media outlets
If this keeps up, men will never figure out how to use the washing machine
Funny, I only kill when I encounter a particularly difficult math problem
Happy Birthday! That'll be $108,357.80. $29 for a Red Bull is a bargain!
01/21/2012
So, she supports one of guys who wants to repeal her best chance at getting health insurance. Good luck, South Carolina
Dear Al Franken: You are no longer good enough, smart enough, and dog gone it, people no longer like you
How dare workers complain! Don't they know you never question our benevolent Job Creators?
The really impressive thing is that the video recording was done by another crow
It certainly wasn't born in Hawaii. I think we'll need to see the long form birth certificate
Climate change deniers are now kicking puppies because they can't handle the cognitive dissonance
01/20/2012
By scamming the government
out of tax dollars, he is effectively hurting the infrastructure of
America. Sounds like terrorism to me. Someone should call DHS
The "live free or die" state wants to become the "free to beat your wife" state while cutting health services for poor women
At a fetus festival, Rick Santorum illustrates the depth of a frothy mixture found on his floor
"NYSE sends reminder: gambling is forbidden on trading floor." So, are they closing down?
Our plane is about to crash. I'll say it again, our plane is about to crash. LOL
This is the high functioning US military that we can't possibly cut a single cent from. There's clearly no waste
01/19/2012
Stephen Colbert is stealing votes from Ron Paul in the all-important "I'm voting for a joke candidate" race
Executives cashed in while lying to investors? Well, I supposed it's their right since they are our betters
Something tells me that the State Senator in question probably doesn't participate in "natural human reproduction"
So...buying congress critters is legitimate, but expressing your own views in the public market is an abuse of power? Good to know
9/11 happened because the hijackers had unrestricted access to the works of Shostakovitch
Certainly this will create many jobs for the people of Tennessee. Thanks again, party of small government
01/18/2012
Is this the same God that told Michele Bachmann to run? Christianity is confusing
Of course Ike warned us of the dangers of the military industrial complex; he created it, after all
Once old and cranky teabaggers realized "Obamacare" was good for them, many are now supporting Obama
Terrible parenting is hilarious until the spawn get big enough to perpetrate crimes on the rest of us
Well, that settles it. I'm definitely not voting for McCain/Palin in 2012
Pay no attention to John Boehner's heavy investment in the Keystone XL pipeline because he just wants jobs
01/17/2012
Surprise! SOPA bill creator Lamar Smith's largest chunk of campaign contributions come from the TV/Movies/Music industries
Well, it's good to know that Obama is only the second most favored candidate of bankers
Careful! Suing the president may be considered terrorism and they'll use the NDAA to lock you up forever
Non-American citizen who had no American servers, and did not host any copyrighted material, will be sent to the US to be prosecuted for copyright infringement. LOL freedom
Ron Paul hates government spending, except when it's paying for first class flights between Texas and D.C.
Baby boomers not only complain about young people climbing the ladder, they pull up the ladder behind them
01/16/2012
GOP candidates discuss the Red Menace as a campaign issue. This is not news from 1956
Thank goodness most android products are assembled by a non-profit commune in rural Oregon
Masturbation also reduces a man's chance of developing prostate cancer, so fuck you religion
This is quite the slap in the face for a racket which has grown accustomed to wearing government like a glove. Please kill this with malice and hate
Don't these legislators have "handlers" or people to drive them around in their taxpayer supplied limos?
Too bad. He was the only sane one in the bunch. I guess that's why he didn't do so well
01/15/2012
Bank of America planning to retreat from parts of the country where they don't make enough and change their name to Bank of White America
Doesn't matter what type of "economics" he has a degree in. He'll ignore anything he learned if it goes against his dogma
Why does the US government spy on UFO researchers? I guess THEY WANT TO BELIEVE!
Maybe he shouldn't have drawn so much attention to this miracle of "private enterprise" since it relied so much on "corporate welfare"
Wait, wait, wait. We're supposed to wait until AFTER WORK IS OVER to start drinking?
It's one thing to threaten to eat the officer who is arresting you, but leave his dog out of it
01/14/2012
Rick Santorum's great aunt wonders why he never mentions his relatives in Italy, many of whom are or were pillars of the local Communist Party
Gringrich and Edwards did essentially the same thing: cheat on a cancer-stricken wife with a young staffer. So why is Edwards a total pariah but Gingrich can run for president?
What a tasteless and sad commentary on the willingness of the community to accept unenlightened throwbacks
"My garbage disposal eats better than 98% of the world. Stay classy, Goldman Sachs employees
And 90% of Americans have never even heard of this. Liberal media my ass
A steak in a steakhouse? What madness! What's next, go to a Jiffy Lube and complain that the floor is dirty?
01/13/2012
I'm Mitt Romney, I'm rich and white and avoid paying taxes. If you want me to pay my fair share of taxes, you're a class warrior
This is really starting to get embarrassing. At some point, I guess we'll start seeing pilgrims coming to Denver to touch Tebow's jockstrap and be cured of cancer.
Foreclosures are down to lowest levels since 2007! Now get out there and BUY BUY BUY!!!
I thought the Constitution was written by Jesus! This must be wrong. I haven't seen anything about this on Fox
The porn industry employs a lot of people. Why are the Republicans attacking job creators?
Too bad we don't have some way to report him and get his website taken down. Oh wait..
01/12/2012
So does this mean we can tax their churches now? If they are just going to be blatantly political doesn't that remove their tax free status?
Texas health insurance companies are upset that they have to actually spend money on health care
This will create a lot of jobs. They might be able to show us dead babies on TV, but they will never defetus
Here we have a job creator who should be charged with criminal negligence and hiring illegals
How many of these companies that discard unemployed persons' resumes are complaining about a lack of qualified employees?
After trying to destroy Medicare, Paul Ryan now wants to save the Internet
01/11/2012
Dammit, will we never be free of this socialist President and his socialist ways? Hopefully we can get President Romney, that way we'll be free of these kinds of appointments
GOP plan step 1: Fuck over poor people as hard and fast as possible in a war-like manner. Step 2. Cry "class warfare" whenever anyone dares to tax the rich
I love the Parents Television Council. They let me know which shows might actually be interesting
They have to keep all those snakes and turtles out of the country, otherwise they start dropping anchor eggs
That's a lot of money spent on lobbying. Bribes, on the other hand, are substantially more
Would these be the same charities that can't even feed all the hungry people in America?
01/10/2012
Of course the government shouldn't, God forbid, go after the wealthy Americans that knowingly cheated the tax system
When I was a kid we had to make our own nuclear reactor in the shed out of old smoke detectors
Mitt Romney: "We're only inches away from no longer being a free economy." Except it's not true
I'm sure the RIAA will shoot this down with a missile as soon as it starts getting used for piracy
Let me guess, he didn't read the bill that was written for him by his corporate masters
This is surprising. They like iPhones in the 'hood. Too bad Clark Griswald didn't have GPS and this app
01/09/2012
Rick Perry likens his campaign stand in South Carolina to the Alamo, not realizing that we lost at the Alamo
I don't see what they're getting so bent out of shape about: It clearly cites that the slaves were picking the oranges equally, so that's a clearly demonstrating equality
So which one will become a Tom Hanks level star and which one will go the way of Peter Scolari?
Are those 700 oxycodone pills in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Woman shot in the eye refuses medical treatment until she finishes her beer. And you though you were hardcore
Good. It is about time. I'm getting tired of all these religious chuckleheads
01/08/2012
Jesus would be proud. How compassionate of him. Or he just took the money and didn't look into this (more likely)
Barack Obama is coming to take your guns. Wait, did I say Barack Obama? I meant Rick Santorum
Florida bill would make abortion punishable with life in prison. Small government!
"When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross" -Ted Kennedy
Wall St. is for chumps. Main St. isn't profitable. K St. is where the real returns are at
So this is what they must mean when they talk about marriage in the biblical sense
01/07/2012
Yet another isolated, totally not systemic instance of a Republican official forwarding along racist shit about the Obamas
See! Bill Gates is proof that if you are born into a wealthy upper-middle class family that you can become even richer
Wireless operators would like to remind you that texting is cool. Really really cool. Please keep texting
Ron Swanson on surviving the Apocalypse: Drink a lot of Scotch and feast on the fatties
Look at those poor saps in 1900 try to predict life in the year 2000. They had no idea that...wait a minute
Survey reveals what Chicago's 1 percenters think and care about. (Hint: You're not bootstrappy enough)
01/06/2012
The Santorum you think you know is an asshole, but the Santorum you don't know is an insufferable scumbag
Just your daily reminder that if you're middle class, the
Republicans won't rest until you're broke and working for slave wages
Does this mean that masturbation will now be considered reckless abandonment?
Gingrich says he's going to barge into the next NAACP conference and tell them to get off
food stamps. Yes, really
In our coming police state, this will probably become everyday fashion
for part of the population
American Petroleum Institute lobbyist tells Obama to approve Keystone XL or say hello to President
Santorum
01/05/2012
Too bad we can't diagnose these people and keep them out of power before they have a chance
to do any damage
A day without Facebook, Amazon, Twitter and especially Google
sounds like an interesting sociological experiment
How about a Santorum Salad with a side of Dutch Rudder? I
think I might toss my cookies
What is it with Tampa Bay and oddball sex crimes? Flying dildos, pants-less
vampires, cleavage rage....
"Rock & roll is dying because people became OK with Nickelback." Another reason
to love the Black Keys
Like the filibuster arguments of a few years ago, each side complains about it, but won't outlaw the
practice
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