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9/27/2005
CELESTIAL SERVICES
ANNOUNCES NEW PRODUCTS IN BID TO REMAIN SOLVENT
In a bold attempt to halt the slide of sales and profits, Celestial
Services, formerly known as "Heaven," will add two new products and
divest its "Wrath of God" product by the end of next year, Executive
Marketing Vice President Gabriel "Gabe" Archangel announced in a
teleconference with investment analysts yesterday.
After last year's disasterous earnings reports, analysts had been
speculating that the troubled entity would be forced to streamline its
marketing mix and cut costs to avoid bankruptcy.
Gabriel stated that the new products, Mother Nature's Miracle Weight
Loss System and Omniscience 66, a human resource employee productivity
software tool, will make Celestial Services serious players in the
coveted upscale female weight loss demographic and leave its footprint
in its new corporate services market.
In a move that surprised analysts, Gabe also announced that Celestial
Services will sell its Wrath of God product, a longtime Celestial
Services staple, to raise cash to market these products.
Gabe stated that declining market share and unexpected increases in
production costs contributed to the decision to sell. "The Wrath
product mix of tornados, floods, hurricanes, earthquakes and blizzards
has for billions of years fueled the success of our Supplicant Services
Division," Gabe explained. "Our customers would be ravaged in a
disaster, which would then trigger a torrent of calls to our Supplicant
Services Center. But over the past 20 years we've seen orders for
Supplicant Services products decline, particularly among our target
demographic, women 23 to 45 whose annual household incomes average
between $150,000 and $300,000. In addition, focus group data
indicate that these consumers prefer a straight talking,
no-nonsense, kindly Dr. Phil to a thunderbolt throwing avenging
alpha male whose plan no one understands. We must tweak our products to
be more aligned with consumers' desires for a more beneficient God
brand. And, frankly, we overestimated the cost savings that would
result from outsourcing disaster production to China. But let me
assure you, we see this as a little pothole on the road to bigger
shareholder value, which ladies and gentlemen, I remind you is a
journey, not a destination. Sometimes we have to go with the
products we have instead of the products we wish we had. There is no
need to play the blame game here."
Investors who have been critical of the struggling company see the
announcement as symptomatic of much deeper problems, such as lack
of leadership from its CEO.
"Let's face it," said an analyst who asked to remain anonymous. "The
Big Guy is totally clueless and out of touch. I've heard from
reliable sources all he does is eat M&M's, play computer solitaire
and complain about having to be on conference calls. Gabe
is running the show, and his people say he's an annoying,
clueless yuppie twit. But people are afraid to speak up.
You know, the wrath of God, thing and all."
An anonymous Supplicant Services saint confirmed reports that the
sale of the Wrath products is a desperate bid to keep the operation
afloat. "(Director of Operations) Mike Archangel told us our
order volumes would skyrocket after Katrina and Rita. It didn't
happen. People joined Oprah's Angel Network instead. And
now Oprah has pledged 10 million dollars for hurricane relief and
Mike can't meet the payroll. We've been asked to bring our
own toilet paper, for crying out loud. Frankly, we're praying
that Oprah takes us over."
Meanwhile, analysts and pundits have been speculating about the short
list of buyers for Wrath of God. An anonymous executive stated,
"Rumor has it that we will sell to Helliburton, who will integrate
Wrath into its newly formed Cyclone 666 Product Line to leverage
synergies with its construction division. Helliburton wants
total control of the devastation/reconstruction cycle.
Obtained through no bid contracts, of course."
Neither Gabe nor a Helliburton spokesperson was available for comment. |
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